This the latest post-election post making the rounds on the internet. My response is below it.
AMERICAN DIVORCE AGREEMENT
Dear John Law and American conservatives, evangelicals, corporation worshipers, aristocracy adorers, science deniers and Romney supporters, et al - you're right. As much as our side has tried, you all seem to have decided that if you can't have your way every single time, you are ready call it quits on America's grand political adventure. Obviously, you believe that anyone who doesn't agree with you is simply too stupid to be allowed to participate in the democratic republic that has served us so well for so long.
But, John, as a law student, you surely realize that in any legal agreement, there is negotiation. You don't simply present the other side with a document and expect them to say, "oh, okay, then, just show me where to sign."
As far as separating our actual landmass, I suppose the easiest way is simply to split the U.S. up from north to south. After all, we did it that way once before and that turned out pretty well, didn't it? There might be some unhappy states this way but we could make some trades - Florida for Alaska, for instance. But if not that way, then let's just divide us up the way we voted in the presidential election. You guys get the Romney states and we get the Obama states. That seems fair.
We will happily take the liberal judges and the ACLU and you can keep Clarence and Sam and the rest. They can then outlaw abortion and the voting rights act and affirmative action and, I don't know, public schools too, I guess. Along with them, you're welcome to keep the Neanderthals you put on the Science Committee like Dana Rohrbacher and Todd Akin. You can re-name it the Un-Science Committee.
You can collect taxes however you please. You already have all the poorest states in our great union and they will only keep getting poorer. You healthcare system with continue to suck as the number of uninsured grows, your public education system will continue to crumble as you forbid sex education and knowledge-based history and science. You will continue to have more unwed mothers and a higher infant mortality rate - gee, I wonder how you allow that when you love babies so much? The condition is that you have to keep your own poor people and children and disabled people and do with them as you will. You can't be sending them all to us where we believe in healthy mothers and babies and a safety net for the poor and vulnerable just to get rid of them and then be able to say, "look how successful we are at eliminating poverty!"
You can have the NRA, for sure, but you know, as an Obama-voting Democrat I have guns, which I plan to keep, and even blue states have law enforcement (and some cops probably even voted for Obama - hard as you may find that to believe - after all the COPS program was a Clinton initiative. It is in red states where more public safety workers lost their jobs and/or their right to collectively bargain). We'll keep our half of the military too, thank you very much. I find it a little presumptuous on your part to suggest that all soldiers are necessarily in lock-step with conservative Republicans because they aren't.
I think we'll keep parts of the oil and gas industry. After all, we're pumping more oil and gas now than we did under George Bush but we won't give the oil companies that are making record profits billion-dollar rebates in our half of America. We will use those dollars to fund alternative sources of energy (which will also provide alternative sources of American jobs). And you can keep the monster trucks and SUVs and we'll take the more energy-efficient vehicles but we want you to pay for a system of enormous fans lining the border to blow all your pollution back onto your side. (And if your gulf beaches are despoiled by oil spills, you can't come use ours. Ditto, fish and wildlife.)
We will keep Oprah and Michael and Rosie and you can keep Rush and The Donald and Glenn and the hot Alaskan hockey mom, but you need to be responsible for finding the funds for their therapy. Since you don't believe in taxes, maybe you could take donations.
You can have your pure capitalism and your greedy corporations and pharmaceutical companies and Walmart and Wall Street. We actually like things on a more human level so we'll take Main Street and making things in America and the auto companies and buying products in stores run by people in the community. We do have our own billionaires, you know, and I expect they'd be willing to step in maintain the banks in our half of the country. And probably if Medicare and Medicaid (which you won't have, of course, or if you do, they will be privatized and voucherized) in our part of America were allowed to negotiate lower prices with Big Pharma, I sort of bet they'd be willing to strike a deal....because they'd have lots more customers in blue state America seeing as how we'd have everyone insured.
We'll keep our welfare dwellers and food stamps and homeboys and hippies and druggies. But are you implying you won't get custody of any lower class people in Red America? Isn't Oxycontin called "hillbilly heroin" and doesn't hillbilly imply southern? Aren't there a few redneck alcoholics? What do you plan to do with your welfare mothers and their sick and hungry children (of which I assume you will have lots seeing as how they won't have access to contraceptives or abortion or prenatal care). Are you going to put them in "poor people refugee camps".
We'll take immigrants because they are the source of lots of new small businesses and are characterized by a desire to succeed and a strong work ethic. Hell, lots of them would probably be part of your natural conservative constituency if you weren't such assholes.
We'll keep NBC and Hollywood and you can have Fox and O'Reilly. I think we're coming out ahead there. Again with the presumption though. Are you making the claim that no Democrat or liberal or Obama-voter can also be a good Christian? Do you truly think that is a high ground that you alone hold? I'm an agnostic so it wouldn't matter much to me but I assume lots of liberals would fight you for their bibles.
Seriously? Have you forgotten that it wasn't your kind that finally got Osama and most of his crew by using intelligence (actual, true intelligence, not the trumped up kind about weapons of mass destruction and yellowcake uranium) and unmanned drones? And this was while your timid candidate was saying Obama was being too "bold" to go into Pakistan without permission.
Judeo-Christian values? I don't even claim to great faith but I was raised a Catholic and I seem to remember that Jesus was characterized by tolerant, loving statements about sinners and the vulnerable like "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" and "suffer the little children to come unto me" and "give what ye have to the poor and follow me" and "as you treat the least of these..." and on and on. I don't recall Jesus promoting a kind of selfish, hard-ass, "I got mine, screw you" kind of Romneyish Prosperity Theology. Somehow, I think Jesus would be more blue than red but maybe I'm remembering wrong.
Wow, this is such a typically Republican conservative document you are offering us here. No compromise or cooperation about anthems. This is the way you guys like to do business, isn't it? You just tell us what you're taking while giving us unwanted advice on what we should choose in return.
Yes, you go ahead and practice trickle-down economics. We already know how it will turn out because we tried it under George Bush. Your rich will get richer, your poor will get poorer, your sick will get sicker. And you'll think it is a wonderful thing as the Mitt Romneys of your country bankrupt more and more companies and lay off more and more workers in order to send more and more jobs to China....all while putting their own profits in the Caymans or Switzerland. That's the kind of success we admire in good old Red State America!
And we'll do what we did under Clinton - give more support to the middle class, let the rich pay a little more and still create more millionaires in 8 years than Bush managed to do in spite of the tax breaks he gave them. (When is it the job creators are going to start creating jobs again?)
We'll keep our name and our history and our flag, thank you very much. You're the one who is no longer happy in this marriage and filed for divorce so it is up to you to pack your bags and start over with a new name, history and flag.
And my guess is that in 15 years, blue America will be prosperous and progressive and red America will be little more than a third world country with power and assets concentrated in the hands of the few while the many live in poverty.
And PS - please also take Karl Rove and the Koch Brothers and Clint Eastwood and Charlie Daniels and Snookie and Sheldon Adelson and Governor Transvaginal Ultrasound Bob Donnellson and Ted Nugent and Hank Williams Jr.......